“As my research has carried me back through the years, I have been brought to a greater appreciation and a keener realization of the refining and cultural influence that our homes, schools, churches and social orders have brought to bear upon our people . . . It is they who brought into being and nourished a community that is dear to our hearts and into whose sod our roots have truly grown deep and strong.” Carmen Taylor Bennett, from Our Roots Grow Deep, 1970.

I have been privileged to have come from deep roots, from pioneer ancestors who settled in and around the rural, hard-scrabble northwest Texas county where I was born and raised – the subject of Carmen Taylor Bennett’s book – to having strong family connections that can easily be traced back four or five generations or more. Roots are important, they ground us and nourish our souls in ways nothing else can. Yet in this fast-paced mostly urban lifestyle we live in today the depth of our roots has unfortunately become much more shallow. Many are disconnected from the strong generational ties that once existed. But people still yearn for deep roots, I believe, for roots provide valuable insights as to who we are and why we exist, and we all have a need for meaning in our lives.

Being among a privileged class with deep family and cultural roots as I am, however, while helpful is not the ultimate revelation of our human roots. It actually began, as I discovered when I started to study scripture in earnest, thousands of generations ago in our human ancestry; for as one reads the stories of the great characters of the Bible such as Abraham, Jacob, Noah, Moses, David, Solomon, Ruth, Esther, Job, and others we realize that their stories mirror our own, indeed they are “every man’s” stories – imperfect people whose roots are planted in the same soil as yours and mine. As Carmen Taylor Bennett said so well, “It is they who brought into being and nourished a [human] community that is dear to our hearts and into whose sod our roots have truly grown deep and strong.” So no matter who we are, where we were born, or what we may know about our ancestry, be assured that our roots all grow deep. We should all cherish and be nourished by those roots. They grow deep and strong in sacred sod.

Did you ever consider how important it is to be moving forward, to be making progress? It just occurred to me this past week how powerfully we are impacted by whether or not we feel that our lives are moving forward. My wife Tee, not normally a moody person, had been feeling some frustration recently about being stuck in some circumstances beyond her control. Then over the weekend we received a contract on our house which has been on the market for several weeks. Suddenly and dramatically everything about her changed as if all at once she felt unstuck and was moving forward again.

So often we fail to realize that moving forward is much more important than hitting homeruns, although homeruns are a nice bonus from time to time. But mostly life is about hitting singles, advancing from one base to the next, than it is knocking it out of the park. It is about knowing that somehow, someway we are moving forward.

The great twentieth century philosopher, Dr. Seuss, expressed it this way: “Oh! The Places You’ll Go!” he exclaimed. “You’re off to Great Places! You’re off and away! . . . Except when you don’t. Because, sometimes, you won’t. I’m sorry to say so but, sadly, it’s true that Bang-ups and Hang-ups can happen to you. . . . You can get all hung up in a prickle-ly perch. And your gang will fly on. You’ll be left in a Lurch. . . . [Then you find yourself in] The Waiting Place . . . for people just waiting. [But] No! That’s not for you! Somehow you’ll escape all that waiting and staying. . . Oh, the places you’ll go! . . . And will you succeed? Yes! You will, indeed! (98 and 3/4 percent guaranteed.)

I still say hurray for homeruns, big successes and great accomplishments. We need them from time to time. But real happiness and fulfillment is not so much about that as it is moving forward, and moving forward is an attitude more than it is an activity, a state of mind even when we are stuck or waiting. Then we begin to recognize delays and setbacks for what they really are – part of the process of moving forward. And when you move forward you will succeed, “98 and 3/4 percent guaranteed”.

“You’re on your own.” Have you ever heard those words? You probably have in one way or another more times than you can remember. One instance I remember was with Sammy, the crusty old foreman in the metal shop where I worked during college. When I first went to work there Sammy took me around to the various machines and taught me how to operate each one – only I wouldn’t exactly call it teaching. It was more like he demonstrated the procedure one time then muttered to me as he walked away, “you’re on your own.” Eventually after several blunders I figured it out, but it surely would have been easier if old Sammy had hung around a little longer before leaving me on my own.

One of the great “you’re on your own” stories involved the prophet Elijah who had taken on Elisha as his apprentice. “When the Lord was about to take Elijah up to heaven in a whirlwind,” scripture says, “Elijah and Elisha were on their way from Gilgal. Elijah said to Elisha, ‘Stay here; the Lord has sent me to Bethel.’ But Elisha said, ‘As surely as the Lord lives and as you live, I will not leave you.’ So they went down to Bethel.” Elijah tried the same trick two other times in an effort to leave Elisha “on his own” – once to Jericho and another to the river Jordan – but Elisha cleverly clung to his mentor as long as he could until being promised a double portion of Elijah’s spirit; whereupon a chariot of fire separated them and Elijah was swept away to heaven in a whirlwind leaving Elisha “on his own” for sure. (Source: 2 Kings 2)

It’s the story of all our lives where a mentor of some kind, maybe several – a parent, grandparent, teacher, pastor, boss – for whom we served as apprentice must go, leaving us on our own. Yet, like Elisha did with Elijah we cling to them as long as we can, not wanting to give up the comfort and safety of their wisdom.

It is not wrong to depend upon our mentor as long as we can, but the time will always come when he or she stands no more as our leader and guide. Our response always is to cling to them as long as possible. But it is for our own sake and the responsibility we have for the next generation that we must be on our own; for we must prepare ourselves to say and the next generation to hear those words, “you’re on your own.”

“What we’ve got here is . . . failure to communicate.” Remember that line from the movie “Cool Hand Luke” (1967)? It probably ranks up there as one of the most quoted movie lines ever, alongside others like Cling Eastwood’s famous “Dirty Harry” scene , “go ahead, make my day”, or Rhett Butler’s memorable “frankly Scarlett I don’t give a . . .”. The difference is that “failure to communicate” is much more than a line from a movie scene; it is something we deal with every day.

Isn’t it amazing that in today’s world with all the advanced electronic communication tools – email, text messaging, cell phones, internet, radio and television, etc. – we still suffer from “failure to communicate”. Could it be that we have become so dependent on the instantaneous flow of information that we have left out some of the other important elements in communication such as basic etiquette and common courtesy?

Here are a few tips: (1) Listen! Listen (or read) not only with your ears (or eyes) but with all your senses. That is, pay attention to the person not just the words. (2) Reflect. Think about what you hear before you react. Try to understand even if you don’t agree. (3) Respond. Emails and voice mails are easy to ignore, but common decency tells us we should at least acknowledge them. Besides, failure to respond is “failure to communicate”. (4) Ask questions. In coaching we are taught that “questions attract, statements repel”. Asking questions lubricates the lines of communication by showing respect to the other party in addition to gaining clarity about what is being communicated. (5) Communication works both ways. Before blaming others for failure to communicate first consider how you could have been a better communicator yourself. And (6) follow the Golden Rule. Treat others the way you would have them treat you.

“What we’ve got here [in our society] is . . . a failure to communicate,” and I too am as much an offender as a victim. The solution, though, is simple. All that’s needed is the addition of a little basic etiquette and common courtesy. Try it and see what happens.

Throughout the twenty-five years or so that I had known my wife’s grandfather, Cecil Dye, I never knew him to be particularly obsessed or worried about the future, by that I mean retirement, old age and all that. It is not that he did not plan ahead, take the proper precautions, watch his pennies, etc., but he did not dwell on such things either. He simply kept his affairs in order and otherwise went about his daily life and work. That is not to say he was a man without goals and dreams. In fact, he was as ambitious as anyone having become a master at his trade and successful in operating his business.

Cecil, though, did not allow his goals and ambitions to blind him from the importance of the tasks put before him each day. He did not view such things as obstacles or distractions from some goal or end result he was trying to attain; rather he just considered them to be part of daily living. Cecil more or less lived by the old adage that “life is a journey not a destination”, which may have contributed to his long active life of almost ninety-five years.

Oswald Chambers once wrote, “We must never put our dreams of success as God’s purpose for us; His purpose may be exactly the opposite. We have an idea that God is leading us to a particular end, a desired goal; He is not. . . [No] what we call the process, God calls the end. . . His purpose is for this minute, not for something in the future.”

I dare not minimize the importance of goals and ambitions, however, for they do inspire purpose and vision in our lives. Yet how often have I in my own obsession for attaining success overlooked some task put before me dismissing it as an obstacle or distraction rather than embracing it as part of the process? And how might embracing that task have had an even greater impact than whatever goal I was pursuing?

Thank goodness for wise elders like Cecil Dye who, though he enjoyed success as much as anyone, loved the process even more, embracing the tasks put before him as part of daily living. That is why for those of us whose lives were touched by his remember him not so much for what he did as how he lived his life. And that has had the greater impact.

Do you ever on occasion find yourself wanting to tell someone to be quiet? Or to be a bit more blunt, do you sometimes just want to yell, “shut up!!” Don’t be too hard on yourself if you do because we live in a noisy world with a lot of people out there competing to be heard, myself included.

In preparing to put our house on the market recently we invited several real estate agents to interview for listing our home for sale. We only invited agents who we knew to be reputable, competent, and with a good track record for selling houses in our neighborhood. In other words, we knew they were good before they ever showed up. Nevertheless one by one each agent dutifully showed up at our doorstep armed with brochures about their real estate companies, biographies about themselves, and comparables of other homes for sale. Then sitting around our dining room table we listened as each one spoke impressively about how good he or she is and why we should hire them over the others. In the end they were all equally qualified, so how were we to decide which one to hire? It was easy. The winner was not the best talker, it was the best listener, the one who shut up and started asking questions about what WE wanted.

The first thing we’re taught in business is to have a good sales pitch, right? What we are not taught so much is that the real secret to winning business is ultimately not about the sales pitch, but how well we listen. Think about it, if we do indeed live in a noisy world where everyone is competing to be heard, does that not mean people are starved for someone to listen to them? So . . . listen to them – and you’ll be the winner.

Why, then, is listening so difficult? The answer is that listening requires humility, putting our own ego aside, and in our highly competitive world that’s a hard thing to do. It’s counter-cultural, certainly counter-competitive. Yet, “blessed are the meek,” Jesus says in the Beatitudes, “for they will inherit the earth.” (Matthew 5:5). The MEEK will inherit the earth! The humble – the listeners – will be the winners. What would happen, I wonder, if our leaders in Washington spent less time talking (about being right) and more time listening (to us and each other)? And not just them, but all of us? Wouldn’t we all become bigger winners?

Among the several obligatory family rituals each of our two sons had to endure when they were preparing to graduate from high school one was going out to dinner with their dad for a little one-on-one, father-son, man-to-man time. During each of those two occasions I asked both boys the same question: “What is it you want to be?” The first answer was not surprising, that is I want to be a lawyer or an architect, or . . . whatever the profession de jour might be. No, I explained each time, I’m not interested in what you think you want to DO in life, I want to know what you want to BE. Both appeared a bit puzzled at first, but finally after much thought each son eventually responded exactly the same way. Looking me in the eye they each said this: “I want to be a good person.”

Each of us at some point must make this same basic choice about how we will live out our lives. Do we consciously choose to be a good person – or not? Our two boys being at the threshold of leaving Mom and Dad’s supervision at the time were themselves facing this very critical decision. Thus my purpose in pressing the issue was to encourage them to say it out loud, for by saying it out loud it became a pledge – not to me but each to himself.

And why was that so important?

Martin Luther explained it this way: “Good works do not make a good [person], but a good [person] does good works; [likewise] evil works do not make a wicked [person], but a wicked [person] does evil works. Consequently it is always necessary that the person . . . be good before there can be any good works, and that good works follow and proceed from the good person.” Or as Jesus says in Matthew 7:17-18, “Likewise every good tree bears good fruit, but a bad tree bears bad fruit. A good tree cannot bear bad fruit, and a bad tree cannot bear good fruit.”

I have no idea if either of our sons remembers that evening out with their dad or the question they were asked, nor does it matter. What I do know is that each one has kept the pledge he made to himself those many years ago the result of which is bearing much good fruit. I also know it is never too late for anyone to do the same.

“Be serious and frequent in the examination of your heart and life. . . . Every evening review your carriage through the day; what you have done or thought that was unbecoming your character. . . . Have a special care of two portions of time, namely, morning and evening; the morning to forethink what you have to do, and the evening to examine whether you have done what you ought. Let every action have reference to your whole life, and not to a part only. Let all your subordinate ends be suitable to the great end of your living. Exercise yourself unto godliness.” - John Wesley

Who have you known in your life that has come closest to practicing John Wesley’s discipline of reflecting each day in the morning about what you have to do, and again in the evening about how well you did it? For me I suspect my maternal grandmother – who I’ve mentioned numerous times in these articles – must have had such a discipline for she sure lived as if she did. She was as clear about the “great end” of her living as anyone I’ve ever known, which was loving God and loving other people. For her nothing else mattered much unless it pertained to that purpose. And I think because of that she was consistently one of the most joyful people I’ve ever known.

Too many of us I’m afraid either live in survival mode or at best we get up each day and simply respond to what comes our way, unclear of our true purpose or the “great end” of our living as Wesley referred to it. Why do you suppose Rick Warren’s The Purpose Driven Life became one of the most popular books in recent years? Could it have to do with that longing for clarity of purpose we all have? It’s nothing new, for as Warren reminds us, it “has puzzled people for thousands of years.” Why? “That’s because we typically begin at the wrong starting point . . .” he explains.

So what is the right starting point? It’s quite simple actually, revealed in the opening sentence of Rick Warren’s book. Here’s what he says: “It’s not about you.” That’s right, it’s not about ourselves. Instead it’s about loving God and loving other people as my grandmother did. It’s the secret to a joyful and purpose filled life, and it works for everyone – people of every race, creed, religious doctrine and life circumstance. It’s the “great end of your living”. Thus be serious and frequent in the examination of your heart.

Fourth of July; it reminds me of when I was a teenager my buddies and I used to drive around the courthouse square in the small town where we grew up and throw firecrackers out the car windows, a violation of local ordinance, daring the local law enforcement official (there was only one) to catch us, which he usually did. About the worst consequence we ever suffered was a verbal reprimand that went something like, “you boys aren’t suppose to be doing that.” We knew, of course, what we could get away with which after all was nothing more than a little teenage mischief, no real harm done.

What about real criminal acts, though, what causes people to do evil? I think it is my curiosity about that that has led me to become addicted to all the criminal investigation shows on television – all the CSI’s, NCIS’s, Criminal Minds, the Mentalist, Law and Order, the Closer, I watch them all. Why? Part of it is all the high-tech forensics they use in their investigations which is fascinating. Then too I enjoy cheering on the good guys to bring the bad guys to justice. But mostly I find these criminal investigation shows provide some insights about what causes people to do evil which usually has something to do with their being victims of evil themselves, or at least being deprived from experiencing goodness.

Unfortunately, the fiction we see on these shows represents a pretty accurate portrayal of real life, the solution to which falls on the shoulders of all of us, not just law enforcement professionals. And what is the solution? The Apostle Paul says, “Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.” (Romans 12:21). But is it possible to overcome evil with good? The group of buddies I meet with every Tuesday morning think so; for we meet specifically for the purpose of holding each other accountable for living a rule of life that includes having a relationship with God, increasing our knowledge of God, and then doing acts of goodness that positively impact others – that overcome evil with good.

I do still engage in a little mischief from time to time, but mischief is all it is, no real harm done. What I aspire to mostly is following in the footsteps of my Tuesday morning buddies – and the Apostle Paul – who believe evil can be overcome with good. I think they’re right. I’ve seen the results of their actions.

During a recent interview with ABC News correspondent David Muir, First Lady Michelle Obama was asked this question: “What advice would you give to your girls when they fall in love?” After a brief pause the First Lady offered the following thoughtful response: “I would tell ALL young people,” she replied, “choose people who will lift you up. Find people who will make you better.”

At the time the interview was being played I have to admit I was only half listening as I had turned on the TV for noise as much as news if you know what I mean. But when I heard the First Lady’s response to that question she had my full attention; for her answer was so full of wisdom, and at several levels. I’ll mention three in particular.

First, and in direct response to the question, Mrs. Obama could not have been clearer in terms of what every parent would like to impress upon their children. When you fall in love make sure it is with someone who will make you a better person. Case in point, Tee and I will soon be celebrating our fortieth wedding anniversary and one of the primary reasons for our successful marriage is because through the years we have lifted each other up, and made each other better. We will both vouch for that.

Second, I have to applaud the First Lady for the way she carefully crafted her answer to include a broader array of relationships. That is to say, who we choose as friends and the crowds we hang out with will influence the kind of people we become. In short, as we’ve all heard, we should choose our friends carefully.

And third, hidden within Mrs. Obama’s response is a question each of us should ask ourselves. What role do we play in the lives of others? Do we lift them up? Are they better for being around us?

In summary, choose people who will lift you up. Find people who will make you better. Then ask yourself, will people choose me for the same reason? Great wisdom, not just for young people but for people of every age.